My son had his 3rd birthday on the weekend; we hosted a ‘fire truck’ party which was something he’d talked about for weeks, months even.
It started off well enough. He flew into our room at the crack of dawn full of anticipation. And just like I’d envisioned in the days leading up to the party, he kept to the ‘plan’ by playing nicely with his friends and loved opening all his gifts.
Before we knew it, it was time for the main event and we heard the fire truck’s siren announcing it's arrival. He leapt up and flew to the window yelling: “The fire trucks here, it’s here!” And... that’s when it all fell apart.
Realising all eyes were now firmly placed on him, the all important party boy, he got halfway to the front yard and then simply refused to go any further. Instead of the way I'd envisioned it, with him racing out there excitedly to participate in games and ride around the neighborhood, he told me matter-of-factly that he was tired, and wanted to go to bed.
Now, I didn’t exactly get taken by surprise. He’s never enjoyed being the centre of attention in a large group situation. Sure, with a small crowd of close family or friends he loves it, but in larger groups he’d rather be anywhere else, doing anything else. Probably even potty training and you’ll know how much he’s cooperating with that from last week’s post.
I shrugged it off but not so everyone else. Instead of respecting the fact that this was all too overwhelming for him, many of our other adult guests, God bless them, tried to help him overcome his fear but instead ended up virtually ‘hunting him’ around the house as he tried to escape. I did my best to keep it lighthearted and casually reminded everyone that the fire truck was here for the whole party. If he wasn’t ready to participate in the games or go for a ride, then I was happy to respect that.
Some were willing to understand and accepted that he was an individual feeling a bit overwhelmed. Others thought ‘No, this is his party and he’ll love it eventually’ trying to do everything in their power to coax him outside.
I had absolutely no issue with him missing out. I know him well enough to know that he’s a confident, balanced little boy 90% of the time, what I really struggled with was everyone else passing judgement ("Oh shame! What’s wrong with him?" Etc) and not respecting his boundaries.
Every child is unique and an individual. This applies to their personalities, their likes and dislikes and reactions. There’s no rule book and so long as a particular ‘quirk’ or deviation from the norm isn’t affecting a child negatively or impacting on their overall development, there’s no cause for concern.
To reaffirm my stance and seek a bit of advice, I did, however, call the Parenting Helpline later that day. They gave me some practical and sound advice to keep communicating with him about his emotions and help him better identify and articulate his feelings.
Every child has a right to feel safe. If there’s something they’re afraid of, we as parents, need to respect that fear as real (even if we know there is no cause for it) while continuing to model confident behaviour. Essentially, leading by example and providing a safe base for them to explore the world from is what will help them grow in confidence. Shaming them, even innocently, by commenting that there's something wrong with them and forcing them to face their fear or overcome it in a pressure situation is not going to help. It often not only makes that individual situation worse, but could backfire further still and do some serious damage to their sense of security and how they handle future situations.
Luckily, kids are highly resilient and adaptable (thank God because I lost my copy of the ‘perfect parent’ manual) and if we make mistakes, as long as we’re considerate and conscious parents, there’s little chance of serious harm being done to a child by not always having a textbook reaction.
We often have pre-determined visions for our children, where they'll bound happily off to play with others, make friends with everyone, confidently try out as many new experiences as they can, all while loving every minute of it. But in reality, they’re individual little people who are only just learning about the big world around them. It’s our job to support that learning journey, even more so when they react in a way that’s different to what you’re expecting.
So yesterday’s little deviation from ‘the plan’, reminded me just how special and individual my little man is and how blessed I am to have someone who, even at such a young age, is able to open my eyes on a daily basis.
He had a wonderful party and didn’t mind one bit missing out on the main event. He went to bed chattering about fire truck cupcakes, playing with his friends and thanked me for a great day.
In my mind, it was still a huge success.
Happy parenting!
Parenting WA Line
The Parenting WA Line is a telephone information and support service on parenting that is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week on (08) 6279 1200 or 1800 654 432.
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