The Amazing (Potty) Race

We all know it - competition and parenting go hand in hand.  Mums everywhere are lining up, eyeing off their fellow opponents, and then beginning an exhausting sprint all the way down to some imaginary finish line. 

Round one of these ‘Mummy Comps’ usually starts in pregnancy.  One woman’s belly is always so much smaller/bigger/rounder/flatter/further out front/out back than her counterpart’s.  And then comes the birth – caesarean, epidural, natural birth, home birth… Judges please take your seats.

By the time we get to the third round, the intensive ‘Post-baby’ bikini battle, everyone is well and truly fair game and the competition heats up quickly.   At this point, our babies are still often not doing much other than sleeping and feeding around the clock.

But once they do start to wake and play, our competitive focus shifts to them and the race begins in earnest.  Little Johnny might not start walking until much later than all the others, his anxious mother glances around and makes excuses as to why he’s ‘taking his time’.  Then little Susie may not talk as much as everyone else is and once again, nervous tension arises as her mum is forced to defend her ‘lack of progress’. 

What many forget (probably because we’re so busy and caught up in benchmarking) is how wide the range of normal is for everything parenting related. How each pregnancy, birth, mother and baby are unique. 

During our kid’s first years, this competition is always on somewhere in the background, whether we choose to participate or not.  And by the time they reach two, it tends to hit fever pitch.

One of the biggest toddler races, and stresses for those parents whose kids don’t finish up with a ribbon, is potty training.   In fact, I’m right in the middle of this race and we are (according to some), coming maybe, oh about, dead last?

As my firstborn approached the expected starting age of two, he exhibited some signs of being ready.  So that summer, we began stretching, working out our game plan and at the first hint of sunshine we were off and training!  We bought our potty, toilet seat, toilet step, started reading books about toileting, marking off ‘readiness’ checklists and prepared ourselves to begin.

Well... that was now over a year ago.  And in that time, I can’t begin to tell you how many accidents we’ve battled through a day.  Actually, I can’t call them accidents, it’s far too clean sounding.  Disasters would be the right word.  And on some days, they felt as if they’d rival the clean up efforts of a national oil spill disaster.

We rang helplines, encouraged, educated, explained, pleaded and even bribed but it just wasn’t working.  Not that he didn’t sometimes go in the toilet, it’s just that more often than not, 80% of the day, he’d go in the wrong place, at the wrong time.  The rug, couch, his bed, our bed, dog’s bed, baby’s bed, kitchen floor… you name it, we’ve cleaned it.

It was exhausting and embarrassing.  Especially as we watched everyone else overtake us in the potty race; even those who began months after us have since collected their trophies.  And all the while, we’re still being sent back by the umpire - false start after false start. 

It wasn’t until I realised that it doesn’t matter that we’d checked all the boxes, the very first condition to even make us eligible to enter was a willing participant.  And he clearly was indicating to us that he was not.  Even though he seemed 90% of the time to want to go to the potty, instead it was in actual fact, an innocent willingness rather, to please his Mummy & Daddy. 

My heart broke recently when at the shops he painfully stubbed his toe (ouch) and while I was comforting him, he also accidentally wet his pants.  The worst part was that while he’d held it together for the injury part, he became hysterical screaming out ‘oh no!’ when he realised in horror that he’d wet himself.  It was then I realised how much pressure we must have been putting on him and decided to immediately back off.

He’s a 3-year-old back in nappies, however I no longer care.  Screw the trophy, I’ve pulled my son out of the potty race, reminded myself again that he’s an individual and decided to just let him take it at his own pace.

Lo and behold, he’s since started to relax and once again, occasionally going to the toilet by himself.  The difference now is that when he doesn’t make it, it’s not going all over our floor/furniture/bedding.  And he’s not picking up on my stress.

I take comfort in the fact that I’ve never seen a parent pack her child’s high school bag, complete with a day’s worth of diapers.

So what’s our plan?  Simple really:

•  Talking to him about going to the toilet/potty and having an open door policy.  Some may find this uncomfortable but imitating behaviour is a significant foundation for every developmental milestone.  This one is no different.

• Asking him occasionally if he’d like to go.

• Any clean ups are done in the toilet and any solids are dumped into the toilet This keeps a connection between his bodily functions and expected behaviour.

• Celebrating every effort – from a simple acknowledgement to doing the full on ‘wee-wee’ dance around the house, we make sure that he knows that going to the toilet is something to be proud of.

• Taking any pressure off him and allowing him to take this at his own pace.  Treating it the same as every other developmental milestone.

But before you decide to follow a child-led approach or stick with a more dedicated training effort, you still need to be familiar with the signs of readiness.  These signs may include:

• Walking and becoming more independent.

• Interested in watching others use the toilet.

• Can stay dry for up to two hours – this indicates that bladder control is being established.

• Tells you when they need to wee or poo.

• Is able to understand and follow simple instructions.

• Dislikes wearing a nappy – perhaps tries to take it off when soiled or wet.

• Has regular bowel motions.

• Can pull his/her pants up and down.

Basically, if your child isn’t ready, there really is nothing you can do about it.  If you’ve ruled out any underlying physical or medical reason why your child isn’t progressing, perhaps you and he just need to relax, take a step back and start over when he’s willing.

Saying that, many children are ready a lot earlier than what we're experiencing.  The time a child is generally able to start potty training is around 18 months onwards.  The average is 18 months to 3 years.

But always, always remember that the most important secret to a successful and positive transition from nappies to the potty is a willing and confident child. 

No parent is ever going to be perfect.  And children don’t need perfect parents; they need willing ones.  Those who have loving, connected relationships are resilient and lucky for me, very adept at highlighting quickly with their own actions if we’ve gone off track. 

Enjoy your week!